What's the purpose?

I’ve been reading a book by Wilke Collins – The Woman in White. There’s a section where a character talks about how society rewards the least virtuous of people. Thoughts of that led to thoughts that I’ve been having about myself, about my decision to be here, about my time here. Our society tells us to explore, pursue life, be independent, live for yourself. All of those seem like worthy goals – until we get to the last one . . . live for yourself? Somehow that doesn’t rub just quite the right way . . . oh – it’s because society doesn’t come right out and say that – rather it’s implied and inferred through the hundreds and thousands of other messages they pass our way – through tv, radio, movies, magazines, books, and yes – even other people. We’re all influenced and few of us know what it really means or consistently know how to live in a way that isn’t for ourselves. But is it realistic? is it possible to not live for ourselves – at least a little bit. Probably not – but let me shift. What do we seek when decide to explore, to pursue the ‘things’ we pursue, to improve our quality of life, to do whatever it is we do each and every day? What do we pursue – how and why are we living . . . . questions I imagine most of us don’t ask often enough. And if we don’t like the answers – how do we get out of it? I’ll tell you right now – I don’t know.

Independence is viewed as sooo important in the Western World. For years I’ve been looking forward to the day when I could be independent, when I could be living my own life, when I wouldn’t be relying on someone else for my existence, when I wouldn’t be dependent. For years – I know I didn’t enjoy parts of my life as much as I could have because of this. It started sometime around age 12 – 13 and has increased in intensity since then. There were times when it faded – but it was still there, always. And now I’ve done it. I’ve secured a job where one of the benefits are my living accommodations – I pay all my own bills - water, electricity, heat, internet, phone, etc. I buy all of my own food. In a way it feels good. This is what I always wanted . . . or thought I’d always wanted.

People? What about people? What are we if not for people? I recently started teaching a new class. The teacher before couldn’t handle them – a bunch of highschool boys they were beyond rude – they damaged the class room, they swore at him, wouldn’t listen to anything he said and final star was when an artistic one drew a picture of the middle finger – after flipping off the teacher – and pasted it on the school door. Were they punished? No, the class was handed to me with the hopes that they’d like me more. So far it hasn’t been too bad – half of the class will hardly say a word to me and speak constantly in Korean but at least they’re keeping it at a whisper level. So why do I mention this? The first day in trying to get them to speak (it’s a conversation class) I was asking their interests, asking where in the world they most wanted to travel. None of them want to leave Korea. Not a one. This blew my mind. None of them wanted to leave the country they were born and raised in – none of them wanted to explore, see the world? This saddened me. It seemed so small, so close minded, so focused on their own little world – surely a bad thing. But yesterday as I was reading that book and contemplating virtue and societies reactions to it the question came to mind – why? Why is that necessarily a bad thing? These kids (youth) have their family here. They have a life, they have friends, they have the most important things in the world – what really matters.

It’s been commented on many times that people don’t lament the fact that they didn’t get that promotion, or didn’t get that plasma tv, or didn’t work more hours on their deathbed. And I bet not many wish they’d explored the world more a whole lot either. No, they wish they’d spent more time with their family – they wish they’d taken time for people. They wish they’d let their loved ones know that they loved them.

I’ve been feeling very hollow lately, like I’ve been living some sort of half life. Perhaps it’s that too much of my heart is on the other side of the ocean. I’ve been feeling listless and not quite the me I should be. I have a lot of time to think over here, I have a lot of time to myself and in a very big way I’m living for myself. When things come up that cut into the semi-schedule I’ve developed for myself my initial reaction is a slightly begrudging one. I want to be with people, I want to have relationships that matter – but it seems like so much effort – (it takes about an hour both ways to spend time with almost everyone I’m able to talk without serious language barriers) and so much easier to just do my own thing. Those of you who know me well probably know I’m naturally somewhat of a hermit but that I’ve done a pretty decent job these last few years of breaking out of it. It’s very easy to fall back in. You also probably know that I’ve moved around A LOT in the past 4 years and though I’ve had some wonderful experiences I’ve also dealt with some issues regarding friendships – making and losing them – and letting myself care about people. And this is running on . . .

So, I’m here. Today is my three month anniversary. It seems like there’s a long way to go but I’ve made this choice and I don’t plan on turning back on it unless I’m absolutely miserable in this my new life – which I’m not. I have a quote written on my bathroom/ shower wall by a fellow Cdn. “Every experience must be lived through until it is done.” I intend to finish this experience. But that doesn’t and shouldn’t mean I can’t change the way I’ve been experiencing it. To reiterate, people are important. And if you’re reading this – whoever you are, wherever your life has placed you – realize that. I’ve been craving love and time from the people back home sooo much and I’ve been blessed by a few emails and chances to talk to people online – but effort needs to be made I this ‘the real’ non-cyber world as well – and I’m starting on that (Yesterday, for the first time since I've been here I made the journey and went into the city to visit some new friends during the middle of the week - it was good).

Yet another, ‘So’, – purpose is in people. Virtue is in Love. Not just love received – but love offered. Time is often the biggest translation of that, sharing of ourselves and soaking in what other are willing to share. What does all of this say about me? About the choices I’ve made, that I continue to make? Can I escape my own socially influenced beliefs? I guess only time will tell – perhaps this is part of the reason my path led me here – whether I took the right path or not, this can be part of what I learn. I don’t know what that will translate into to. Since being in Poland I’ve felt I needed to start making roots, and yet I uprooted myself again – next year will probably take me somewhere new as well. Hmmm . . . >>sigh<<>

Koreans are all about unity – in ways that just don’t exist in the West - ways that in some instances, we look down on. It’s changing – western influence is increasing daily – subtracting from the truth behind the words ‘land of the morning calm.’ But still – one of the first things I noticed while being here is that it was rather hard for me to buy fruit in portions that wouldn’t be enough to feed a whole family, at many restaurants you can’t even buy single portions – usually the minimum is three, sometimes two – people don’t eat alone. Three generations will all live to together, sharing things – youth stay with their families until they start their own. It is a rare occurrence not to see family members or friends holding hands when their walking or sitting together (even guys). Traditionally, where we see pursual of our interests and self-assertiveness as admirable traits – they see self-denial as an essential and beautiful part of life. Our culture is stripping them of theirs – I think it would be good for all of us if the influence would go the other way.