Ahhhhh.......>>she sighs as she leans back into life and lets Joy seep in<<

'Delectably and ridiculously happy', that's how I felt, and what I told my beautiful cousin Jacquelyn as I draped my arms around her on the steps inside the Confed Centre, a tribute to the birth of my 'home and native land' that I've returned to once again. That emotion though, was only a prelude to the way I'd feel as I bowed in spirit before my Saviour later that evening. Mom and I had been debating about going to PEI for a lectureship series all week. We both had reasons why we couldn't really attend the whole thing but I had other reasons for not feeling like going. The knowledge that the friends and wonderful memories I once had there didn't seem to really exist anymore (whether because of my consistent nomadism or just the normal occurence of people drifting apart). I received an email though letting me know how much I was being missed and that little note prompted my decision.

It's crazy how you forget the connections you've made, or forget the deepness and reality of them. At an event that brought many from my family of churches together I saw relatives, youth I'd counselled years ago (who still remembered me and literally jumped at the excitement of it), a mentor from Ontario that I haven't seen in years, and other friends from Ontario who'd all made their way to the maritimes. That's what induced the state of delectable, ridiculous happiness.

And then something far more precious was given to me - Peace. I finally have deep seeded peace about all that's happened this past year. The pain I received, and even moreso the guilt I felt, the shame at some of my choices, the let down I was to myself for not living out what I knew to be right, and wise, and sensical was something I was having trouble letting go of even though I had offered forgiveness where it needed to be given, and knew that God had forgiven me where I needed that forgiveness. It's crazy how we don't forgive ourselves, thus setting our standards above God and insulting Jesus's sacrifice for us - but for some reason we do it - and I know Satan loves that.

But in words, and the emotion from the reunions I experienced, what finally fully reached the depths of me is that everything that's happened whether glorious or miserable is part of bringing me to where I am today. I was having a wonderful day, and that day would not have happened in quite the same way if things in my life hadn't happened quite as they did. And for that day, that moment- I am thankful. This isn't news to me, not a grand revelation, but it's truth that I had let slip away. And something specific that the preacher said really hit home as well (again, not new - but needed at that moment). God doesn't promise that this life isn't going to be messy. He promises that we won't be alone. He doesn't promise that there won't be tears, or mourning but that when we turn to Him, He'll wipe those tears away. And when pain, betrayal, suffering, confusion, sickness, deception, death of a loved one (and the list could go on) comes our way and we want to ask, or yell, or cry - Why God? WHY!!!??? if we open ourselves to listen we can hear that still small whisper 'You're not home yet.'

That may sound like a bit of a cop-out, a simple or trite answer but when it comes down to it - it isn't. Not at all. If anything it's one of the best answers I've ever heard and I'm not sure that I'd ever heard it quite that way before. We were created for eternity, each and everyone of us. Not 5 days, not 19 years, not even 100. Eternity.

There'll be a NEW heaven, and a NEW earth. The things we see now are just a poor dirty reflection of what this world is supposed to be - and we're a part of that. Imagine the most beautiful view this world has to offer, the mountains, the valleys, the oceans, a new blossom, or imagine the most genuine act of love you've ever seen or experienced - all of that is only a shady reflection. We're not home yet.

And what else does that lead to? All the bad, all the broken, shattered things in this life, things within us, are only a part of this life. There is nothing that is too broken that it can't be mended. There is nothing too terrible that it won't one day end (even if that day is the day we move past this life). God's Spirit is the ultimate healing balm. Things I knew - but things I wasn't allowing to be real for me. I felt broken so often, less worthy than I felt I used to be, less whole. People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I felt weaker, less sure of who I was. Oblivious to the 'lessons' I was supposed to be learning. The past few years I know I've grown, I've changed from a girl who was extremely insecure and self-conscious, a girl who felt she needed a guy to think it in order to believe she was beautiful, or desirable, or worthy of love. Changed into a young woman who knows she has beauty and that this beauty is separate from what any guy may think. A person whose worth is found in who she is as a person, as a child of God, and in the way she chooses to live her life and love others. And then, these past few months I felt I'd lost some of that - (when it came to worth) a lot actually. But it's back, God's given it back to me - and with it has come understanding of what Grace really is, of what forgiveness means and why I so desperately need it. And the other truth of it is, I was no more worthy before I'd made some of these bad choices than I was after. All sin is equal in God's eyes and any worthiness we have comes from Him.

This has gone on and on, as my posts tend to do - so how to leave it? God is good. We mess up. But God is good, and He loves us anyways, loving us too much to want us to stay that way, but wiping our tears, never leaving us, and using those tears (that we and humanity's sinful ways make) to bring us closer to Him.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." - 2 Peter 5:10-11

Okay... Just one more thing. Seek that goodness, that Joy. In a delicious morsel of food, in a glimpse at the sky, the clouds and sun as you drive. At the laughter of a friend or the smile of a stranger. (Or in a determined snowman made over a week ago and has been at this precarious angle since 2 hours after its creation but refuses to give into the laws of gravity!) Notice these things, and be thankful that you did.